| these boots were made for walking, these knees were NOT made for knocking. |
[11 Aug 2004|11:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nervous |
] |
I'm a rock star. I'm a rock star. I'm a rock star.
I don't get nervous.
I'm so nervous, I don't even know what to wear.
I'm a rock star. Breathe. Repeat. I'm a rock star. Breathe.
I should figure out a set list but I can't even concentrate on practicing. Plus, I've got company to entertain.
I don't know when I turned into some sniveling little teenager. It must have happened in my sleep, or while I wasn't looking. I never used to feel this vulnerable and this unsure of myself.
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| i hate myself |
[27 Jul 2004|11:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
hello, my name is pheno, and i am a figment of someone else's imagination.
i keep saying that to myself in teh hopes that one of these days, the words will stop stinging in my eyes, ears, mouth, nose, throat.
hello, my name is pheno, and i am a figment of someone else's imagination.
it's like acid refulx through all my sinuses and nasal cavities.
it's not that i dislike being a cartoon. i appreciate the finer points of being made with ink. i dislike the second guessing. p until a certain point in time, i was under the impression that every free thought, opinion, and artistic expression was my own. that every action, every sentence, every burp, every kiss, was created by me.
then i find out that is not the case. i've been following a script. ive been anti-establishment my entire life and at the same time, ive been doing everything "the man" wants me to.
"the man," of course, being kevin.
so then there are the questions, the thousands upon thousands of little thorns sticking into my brain and making it hard to sleep at night. are my memories real, or scripted? did i really get my first guitar for my seventh birthday, or is that just what he wants you to think? did that happen? or do i remember it because he said i should. do i write my own music? do i like carrots because i like carrots, because i've developed it independent of being kevin smith's answer to jem? or do i like carrots because carrots are phallic and phallic is funny?
was i ever an anything?
was i dead before i was born?
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| like this is surprising |
[27 Jul 2004|11:56am] |
Your CD collection is almost as big as your ego,
and you can most likely play an instrument or
three. You're a real hit at parties, but you're
SO above karaoke.
What people love: You're instant entertainment.
Unless you play the obo.
What people hate: Your tendency to sing louder than
the radio and compare everything to a freaking
song.
What Kind of Elitist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| ~please don't bother trying to find her, she's not there~ |
[27 Jul 2004|12:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
she.. is gone.
my radio.. is gone.
my triplets.. are gone.
my boyfriend.. is gone.
and there's still a goddamned god in my head and i don't know how i feel about that.
[had to edit. hades isn't as fond of the boyfriend as i am]
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[30 Jun 2003|05:08pm] |
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
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[20 Jun 2003|04:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
well, hasn't it been awhile.
we're here at a gathering already. hangin out, a little bit of drinking. a little bit of relaxation, which is nice, because we haven't had any relaxation lately. yes, we. there's a god in my head and he's quite happy where he is, thank you very much. don't tell anyone. ssssh!
gko won't be here, nor will moko, nor will a friend of theirs, cobra commander. if i remember correctly, i already know who this cobra commander is, buttttttt back from where im from, he was just a character on a cartoon show. and then i come here and find out that *i* am just a character in a cartoon show.. it's kind of surreal to think about sometimes.
at this gathering, hmm.. am not sure what's gonna happen. not sure who will show up, especially from our house. We need to have a meeting, there are a few issues we need to talk about. not major ones, mind you, but issues, nonetheless.
no party this weekend. well, no official party anyway. maybe next gathering. my heart's just not in it this time around. i don't know if it's because i'm down because gko isn't here, or having a god in my head is taking it's toll on me, or perhaps it's because of the uncertainty of this event. just a quiet weekend drinking, if ever there could be a quiet weekend spent at a gathering just drinking.
stran is gone, i think im going to take this time to practice for a bit.. or have a nap.. or something..
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| Dobacon III |
[18 Mar 2003|09:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
This gathering was... interesting. Instead of the gathering hotel. we all made it to some other hotel. The Village Hotel, for some sort of experiment. I'm not even sure if i could tell youwhat kind of experiment it was. Whatever.
Apparantly Ty Verrat has returned to the Nexus. I'm not sure how I feel about this. He was very nice to me when I first got here and, well, I guess it was a mix of things. He was very recognizeable to me, tho I don't think I'm ever going to be able to explain to him that to me, he's just some character from the Star Wars universe, from a movie. Because of that he reminded me of home.. And hey, I was young and new and vulnerable and he was genuinely being nice.
And unfortunately, my boyfriend is *still* missing. Oh well. MOre time to focus on Tybalt, tho that will make other relationship interesting.
And I love my house mates and my house head. And Cleese, tho heretofore (did I really just use that word?) when I refer to house mates, assume I mean Cledot. Not just Godot. Because I love them all. I don't know why I was feeling so out of it awhile back. I still miss G-ko. A lot. But my feelings about the rest of my house have been solidified. I haven't had a crew like this since my band. I feel like part of me is finally at ease. I've been here a whole cycle, which is approximately a year, I think, and finally I can relax.
Speaking of which, I've been writing. I've never written a son in my life. I've laways performed other people's stuff. But now... I'm doing my own thing. For the first time I'm doing - musically and socially - what I want to do and what makes me happy. ^_^
So maybe I'll have to start posting these lyrics that I'm writing. Maybe I can get a band started or something. Maybe I should worry about a few other things, first tho..
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[12 Mar 2003|11:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
blue nail polish to match my hair.. or deep red nail polish instead?
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[26 Feb 2003|09:06am] |
i guess i'm, how you say, pissed off? feeling.. vulnerable even? this is so unlike me i don't know what the fuck is wrong.
im really upset that i lost gko. i mean, i know that it's not like she's being tortured or anything (and even if she is im sure she's loving it) but it's just.. i miss her. there, i said it. i really miss her. it's not that i feel that i failed her somehow and because of that im feeling like less of a woman..
i failed her because i asked her to come along, because she's my friend.. and she did.. and i left her there and that was that. i failed her because she came to my aid and i didn't go to hers.
i've always been close with my girls. on the road it was just me and my band. well, roadies and techies and drivers and caterers and all sorts of people were with us, too, but at the end of the night it was me, holly, shorti and kim and amber. the five of us, like a slumber party, ever single night.
i never used to totally trust boys.. and after getting cancelled i definitely didn't for awhile. but now.. well, i still don't believe that boys are anywhere near the same level as girls.. but i don't hate them anymore. it's that sisterhood between me and the girls that i miss.. and that i sort of had again with gko.. but now she's gone and..
and i really just want to have a lot of really great sex. where the hell is gilder?
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[06 Feb 2003|11:32pm] |
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it's a dark time now..
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[05 Feb 2003|12:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
gko, i know you're out there. i tried finding you. i drove all over the fucking nexus trying to find figment hopin he might be able to get me back to you.. then i thought maybe if i drove long enough i could find france.. or the spanish inquisition.. i of course found none of these places.. i tried honey.. i really did.. i'll come find you.. i promise.. i miss you..
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| well then. |
[10 Jan 2003|08:44pm] |
|
been awhile, hasn't it.
all of a sudden my inner monologue has a british accent. wierd.
anyways.. got my jeep blown up by some asshole little dragon.. lost gko trying to get a new one.. now i have a new one but no gko.
and now socket wants to get rid of the gods. i understand his side of it but getting rid of them could mean sending them back to their mountain, which just so happens to be where i live. this could be bad. i don't think the gods want to share a mountain with drunken frat boys and revellers like me and my cohorts.. *sigh* whatever. i'll make due. i at least have my jeep so if we do lose the mountains at least i can live outta the back of the jeep. friggin...
*sigh*
must go back to the boy, oh, right, i have a boyfriend now, or something.. gilder, from lightfoot. whatever. it's a steady source of booty.. and he just so happens to be a pirate how about THEM apples?
yeah, am updating this from the pda, isn't that rad? am in the cave right about now. back to drinking.
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| SO INCREDIBLY OOC.. but funny |
[12 Nov 2002|12:44am] |
You will live in Apartment.
You will drive a Grey HISS Tank.
You will marry Arthur Dent and have 6 kids.
You will be a Assassin in Jersey.
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[03 Nov 2002|10:21pm] |
 You Are a Gaijin Tarento!Ah, the status every gaijin (foreigner) longs to get - that of the gaijin tarento (foreign TV star). You're Japanese has to be up to snuff, and you've got to be willing to voice your weird political opinions. If you've got that down, you can be famous in Tokyo. While you think you may be respected for your foreign flava, the truth is that most Japanese see you as not much more than a zoolike spectacle. What's *Your* Japanese Subculture? |
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[03 Nov 2002|09:50pm] |
 You Are A Carnal Kisser!For you, kissing is just an appetizer - and a brief one at that. It's not unusual for your hands to wander elsewhere when kissing, even on a first date. Truth be told, you much rather be kissed some where other than your lips! How Do *You* Kiss?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva |
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pheno's journal
